So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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