shes about as inviting as chlamydia
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
