I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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