those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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