I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
