I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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