my text book just quoted the cookie monster
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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