In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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