Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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