I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
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