A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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