The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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