I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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