I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
