omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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