My Higher Power is John Stamos
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
