fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Vodka?
Forever.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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