I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
