My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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