You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
