I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize