you would pick up someone in the library
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
