Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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