Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
