i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
