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• (281): View more from Texas

  How do you jack off and text at the same time?

  (1-281): View more from Texas

  On my iPhone they have an app for that

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• (508): View more from Massachusetts

  my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.

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• (480): View more from Arizona

  Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy

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• (971): View more from Oregon

  one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.

  (706): View more from Georgia

  i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...

  (971): View more from Oregon

  it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.

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• (940): View more from Texas

  I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.

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• (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.

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• (225): View more from Louisiana

  Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...

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• (509): View more from Washington

  I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.

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• (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was

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• (305): View more from Florida

  Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.

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• (520): View more from Arizona

  Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party

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• (469): View more from Texas

  Where is everybody?

  (214): View more from Texas

  It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.

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• (817): View more from Texas

  He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.

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• (617): View more from Massachusetts

  WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.

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• (606): View more from Kentucky

  If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy

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