I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
