I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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