there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
