Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
