CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
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