Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
