1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
