you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
