If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
