Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
