I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize