I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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