dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
