So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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