I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
