I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
