A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I just blew my weed a kiss
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Randomize
