Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
