Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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