So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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