There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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