She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
