Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
