i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
