the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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