Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
