you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
