Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
