just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
