we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
