I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
