Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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