I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
