First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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